I am absolutely convinced that I have always felt things on a more heightened level than the average person. When it comes to pain, I am a total wimp. When it comes to happiness and love, I am a total spaz. Anger? Watch out! You could possibly attribute this to my Italian genetics. We seem to be a lively, expressive bunch. But I know plenty who are way more chill than me, like my brother. So there goes that theory.
Regardless of the reason, whatever I'm feeling, everyone around me KNOWS I'm feeling.
This used to embarrass me when I was young. I couldn't control my tears (I really still can't). I couldn't control my smiles or my laughter. I have zero "cool factor" to me. What you see is what you get.
And over the years I've finally come to realize that it is an amazing gift that I have had bestowed upon me. I FEEL and then I LET GO.
What's made me think about this lately is noticing what happens to people who can't let go. Whether it be emotional trauma or anger (which are often two in the same), it makes them sick. First mentally and eventually physically. It festers and spreads until it manifests as something real and tangible like disease.
One only need go back and read this very blog to see I've been hurt plenty in my life. And I only talk about the somewhat socially acceptable things. I have been hurt by some in ways I would never write about. I'm familiar with what horrible pain another person can cause to your heart, or even to your body.
So I keep analyzing what makes me able to let go and not others and I keep coming back to how fully I can't help but feel my feelings. EXCEPT for one time in my life. And that was my 20s. I was so unhappy and felt trapped by life. Crying wasn't received very sympathetically in some situations in my life so I learned to numb myself. I cut myself off from my emotions. And I paid dearly. It's no secret I spent most of my 20s morbidly obese, depressed and sick. When I finally got in touch with who I was again, it turns out that emotional girl I suppressed was waiting to bust out. And she is basically as emotional as ever!
So every time I hurt, I HURT. I cry, I scream, I rock back and forth. It's all very dramatic. When I laugh, I burst out with the most obnoxious, startling, non-feminine laugh you've ever heard. I feel the full spectrum of my emotions as they move through and out my body. And I am so thankful.