Gonna Eat a House

Ugh. The chronic hunger monster is back in full force. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. When I'm eating the right things it's tolerable and, at times, almost non-existent. However, after an Easter weekend of gorging on everything tasty including lots of sweets, I feel like I may lose control at any moment. Stay away from me or I may just eat YOU.

Okay, I wouldn't eat you...unless if you happen to be a 50% off Reese's peanut butter egg then you better hide! Those suckers are everywhere and yesterday I ate one. Why? Because it was 50% off of course and I can't pass up a good deal! No, seriously, because I have little to no control when I get this crap in my system.

So I'm back to the grind and slowly pulling myself back to the land of the living. Here's what I do to get my appetite and cravings back under control:

  • I never ever EVER let myself get too hungry!
  • I make sure I'm hydrated.
  • I make EXTRA sure I get a good night's sleep (this was actually my problem yesterday, I slept horribly the night before).
  • Okay, this next one is a little tricky. I try to make sure I don't eat too many carbs at one time and make sure that my protein and healthy fat is high (about 40% protein, 30% fat, 30% carbs). However, and here comes the tricky part, I actually DO eat a little higher carbs than usual (up to 40%) and I make sure to eat them more frequently than I usually do. The reason for this is that I find my body is craving sugar like a wild animal and if I go too long without carbs....BAM! Peanut butter egg city!
  • Now for the  not so healthy thing I do. I very temporarily drink extra caffeine and/or something like flavored BCAAs or Amino drinks. These are NOT healthy by any stretch of the imagination but what they do is temporarily curb my appetite until I can get this funky sugar out of my system and get back on track. I only use this one as a last resort because, truly, it is not healthy at all.
  • I also revisit my fitness goals and why they are important to me, frequently. I read lots of motivational material, watch videos, listen to podcasts. This is something I actually do on a fairly regular basis anyway but, at times like this, the more the better I find. 
I am sharing this for two reasons. First, I think these methods are very effect so I want to make them available for others. Second, I want to crush to illusion that people who control their weight or resemble what others may identify as "fit" eat perfectly. We don't! I can honestly say I have never met anyone who does. I have cravings and weaknesses like everyone else. The only difference between me and someone who hasn't conquered yet is that they haven't found the tools that work for them. This is NOT about willpower. If you deal with a large appetite and/or cravings and rely on willpower you WILL fail, I promise you! It's about having a plan and keeping what's important to you in the front of your mind at all times.

A Need For Comfort

  1. Today I received some very upsetting news about a client's health. I found myself on the brink of tears pretty much the whole day. Pushing it down and painting on my smile for the rest of my clients. By the time I left the gym, I had one thought on my mind...I want something tasty! I wanted Reese cups or a burger or maybe some fries....preferably all of the above.

    This type of reflex is probably... pretty relatable to a lot of people. It was my go to comfort (food followed by hours of tv or mind numbing computer games). Not any more. Why? Because I also have had enough experience with how I feel by the end of the day and the next morning when I give into this reflex.

    So, today was supposed to be my rest day from exercise. When I was done working at the gym, I had a little bit of down time before I needed to be anywhere. Perfect time to hit McDs. Instead of hitting the drive through, I grabbed my "emergency workout gear" and did a fast, hard workout. After my workout I grabbed a Kombucha, rolled my window down and put on some happy tunes while I drove to my next stop.

    While I was driving this amazing rush of happiness poured over me. The sadness melted away. As always, I could not control the sad and stressful things swirling around my life. But what I could and DID control was my reaction to it.

    I felt strong. Physically and mentally.

    Comfort can be found in many forms. Some forms of comfort will leave us feeling depleted and empty. Others will fill us so full that we are ready to face the next stressful or sad event which will ALWAYS show up eventually.

    My old comfort was short lived and caused me great pain. Now I find comfort in my health, in my son's smile, in that perfect crook under my boyfriend's arm and in every great, simple thing in life that makes tomorrow just a little brighter.

Here Comes the Shame Again

A couple days ago I posted the picture above on this blog's Facebook page. It represents where my body is at right now. Along with the picture, I shared my thoughts and feelings about my body and the attitude I intend to take about my body going forward.

However, upon closer review, I find myself feeling ashamed in different aspects of myself, not just my body. Quite a few of these aspects I have absolutely zero control over. Like my age. I have to say, this is not one that I saw coming. I was slightly bothered by getting into my late 30s but never expected to feel shame over it. And when I ask myself "why?" I can't help but be ashamed about the answer!! I feel ashamed because I'm afraid younger people may find me obsolete. And I'm afraid I'm not aging well and I'm getting ugly. There I said it.

Then there is another area of my life in which I can not go into detail. This area has actually prevented me from blogging as much as a I used to because I am not free to openly discuss certain issues that have taken place over the last couple years for fear of retribution. So forgive my vagueness. However, there is a person in my life who is constantly on the lookout for ways to laugh at me and shame me for whatever reason they can find. I feel like I can't openly talk about my insecurities and problems on this blog anymore which I absolutely hate as this blog used to be my therapy. Not only does this person make me feel shame about who I am, I also feel shame for not standing up for myself. I have to be honest, I can't find a way to make peace with this area yet but, here is my hope: I am going to start being more honest again about me and my life right now and let the chips fall where they may. It is my life. And I will not keep hiding.

Yet another area I feel shame is in my inability to be perfect. This one is silly enough that just typing it makes me shake my head at myself but it's true! I am not a perfect mother and this is probably the biggest source of my shame. I don't feed my son perfectly probably about 1/3 of the time even though I know the health risks he could face later down the line. I feel like I don't pay him enough attention at times. I let him watch t.v. I try to limit it to an hour per day but if it's a really rough day, sometimes it's quite a bit longer. Sometimes I lose my cool and yell at him.

A huge area I am definitely not perfect is in my health and fitness. I do good a lot of the time but sometimes I just lose my shit and eat all the wrongs things and even occasionally drink too much. I love to exercise so I don't have trouble sticking with that. However, I do have a tendency to sometimes be too extreme in my exercise which I ALSO feel shame about because I feel like I'm abusing my body in that capacity too.

This flows into my next area of shame. No one would categorize me as overweight. Most would even say I'm fit looking. However, I don't have that super buff, hard bodied look that most people expect a personal trainer to have. This makes me not pursue clients as aggressively because I feel like I don't look the part. I feel like they will look at me and say "Pffft, like YOU can help me!"

I also feel shame when I look at myself naked. This one is really hard to type. It's even harder to not delete and to know that everyone will read it. On a really super great, toned, un-bloated day, I almost don't hate what I see in the mirror. The rest of the time....shame. Sheer and utter shame. I don't really know how to make peace with this one either.

So yeah, this blog post is a little different from the rest. I usually try to end things on a good note and talk about the positive in all this but I don't think I can at this moment. This is my struggle. How do I make peace with all my shame? Hopefully just acknowledging it is a good start. In the meantime, all I can do is be the best person I can be. I'm so far from perfect, it's depressing. I'm not even always a nice person. I have selfish moments. But I am definitely a good person. I love people. I would never ever deliberately hurt a person, so why do I hurt myself? And I forgive people so easily. Why don't I forgive myself?