Where Am I Now?

So, it's been a while since I did a truly personal blog. There are many reasons for this. The biggest reason I would say is that, as my business has grown and I've referred more and more clients and patrons to this blog, I've found it increasingly hard to share my most vulnerable, personal thoughts and experiences. However, I recognize this for what it is...ego. Plain and simple. And it's selfish ego (as if there's any other kind) because I've always known that I help people the most when I'm being raw and authentic. So here goes nothing....

To say the last couple years of my life have been a whirlwind, is putting it mildly. Very mildly. These last two years have been the most chaotic, painful, yet beautiful years I've ever known.

First, I lost my mother just over a year ago. 

My mother was always my best friend. She was the person I turned to not only for support but also the person I shared everything with. We were gurus to one another. 

I lost her in pieces over the two years following her diagnosis of cancer and leading up to her death. 

Anyone who has lost someone to cancer can appreciate what I'm saying. While you do have the gift of time, it's slow and painful to witness and experience. First, she was often too sick and tired to go out and do things. The pain meds frequently took the depth out of our conversations....the last thing to go before she lost her worldly body was her voice, as a tumor grew against her vocal chords. 

Yeah, I lost my mother in pieces.

Seeing my mother suffer and our roles eventually invert as she became so helpless, was indescribable. So I really won't try to describe it anymore. Those who have experienced it will fill in the blanks. Those who haven't, will only see (albeit, sad) words on a screen.

But, during the darkest hours of my life, the most beautiful thing also happened.

About a year before my mother passed, I was in full on "growth mode." I had sworn off men several months before this and was the most focused I'd ever been on finding peace and wellness within myself. I was, by far, at the top of my game. Meditating every morning, Crossfit almost every day, eating free-range, organic everything, in bed by 9:30pm....you get the idea. I was finally doing me.

Then there was this guy....

He was a friend I had put in the "maybe someday" box a while back and hadn't really thought about him that way again. I was too focused on ME! 

Then one day he bit the bullet and made what I'm guessing would have been his final attempt to connect with me on a more meaningful level. I agreed to hang out with him. 

This really wasn't so out of the ordinary for me at this phase in my life because I had come to embrace forming friendships with new people instead of constantly looking for "the one." If I'm super honest with myself, and you, I knew I had the potential to like him in a more romantic way but I also knew that 100% of my attempts at romance in my life had failed. However, my friendships with various people were thriving and making my life so much better. So I can honestly say that I went into that Friday afternoon with the full intention of cultivating what I hoped would be a meaningful friendship with him.

Sooooo.....

Fast forward to two years later...we are married and have a home together. 

Randy came along at the perfect moment in my life. Up until I met him, I can honestly say that there was no one, and I mean no one who I could talk to like I could my mother. He is my guru, and I am his. Every night is a slumber party with my best friend....although these days it's a slumber party that ends pretty early as I'm suddenly constantly exhausted. More on that in a few....

Back to Randy...

He has helped me through some horribly painful moments. Several months before my mother passed, he dropped everything one day when we found out that my parents were stranded in Reno, Nevada (where my mother was receiving alternative care) because she was too sick to fly home. We rented a van and four of the most exhausting days of my life later we delivered them home. 

I sat in the back of that van with my mother for two sleepless days, struggling to keep her comfortable. The one position we found that would briefly alleviate at least some of her misery was for her to lay back between my legs against my chest, my arms wrapped around her. I was no longer the daughter. In that moment, I felt the full impact of my loss. It was the hardest, HARDEST moment of my life. I was miserable, sleep deprived and seeing my mother suffer...and she could no longer comfort me. 

I would look up with weary eyes and see Randy's eyes looking back at me in the rear view mirror as he struggled to stay awake and get us home as quickly as possible. I saw the concern and sympathy in his big, blue, exhausted eyes. Every time we would stop to get her out of the van, into the wheelchair, into the bathroom and back in the van, he would quietly and gently hug me before I crawled back into the van.

I wasn't alone. 

And I haven't been alone since.

Not very long after that, he put on a suit and read a eulogy for a mother he barely knew, in front of many people he didn't know. 

He helplessly held me through countless hours of sobbing, unsure what to do, as he is naturally a "fixer." 

He's taken my son under his wing and started to nudge him toward manhood. 

He's made me laugh countless times in what otherwise would've been a much darker time in my life than it's turned out to be. 

In the midst of the moments I spent my life fearing, I got what I spent my life dreaming about. I remember my mom saying once that my list of "musts" for a guy had become unreasonable...a true "manly man" who is also spiritual and hilarious. She said I had to pick one or the other. When she met him I remember her later smiling happily and saying "You managed to find it. I believe you may manifested him into existence."

I am married to the man of my dreams. 

So that's my story of the last two years. Now, I want to share where I am now. And this is the most vulnerable part. 

While I've managed to maintain my weight with Intermittent Fasting and doing just enough of the right things, I've fallen so far off my game in so many other ways. 

The most notable thing is my nutrition. I really haven't eaten this bad since my 20s! And I honestly have no excuse. It's definitely been a comfort food thing. I remember it really starting during the times I would go to Hospice once my mom was moved there. I justified it as convenience but I see it now for what it's been...comfort. 

Only problem is, I'm no longer comfortable. 

I'm full of inflammation and my digestion isn't wonderful. I feel tired A LOT! And, in addition to all this, I feel guilty for not buying local, quality food. I'm part of the problem. 

And that all ends now! 

Another reason I think I abandoned my healthy eating was that I saw my mother try to always eat healthy and what did it get her? I felt angry and hopeless for a while. But now I see all this for what it is. Yes, we will die. And some of us will get sick and slowly die, despite our best efforts. 

But our best efforts are what make us know we lived our life in accordance to our values and will hopefully give us lots of quality years before it is time for us to leave. This is all we have. 

So, while I may have inadvertently used my mother's sickness and death to justify my poor behavior, I am now using it to justify my positive changes. I will honor my mother by loving and nurturing her daughter. 

And I will use this business that we initially started building together to help others accomplish the same thing!

I have been working on compiling a "plan" that consists of everything I've learned and often applied to my own life over the years that can help to bring our bodies into balance. And I intend to release it soon for everyone to benefit from, free of charge. So stay tuned!