149 Pounds vs. 275 Pounds

Post from 10/21/11 (I was down 126 pounds at the time):

For some reason, 149 pounds has been my magic number (ever since 199 stopped being my magic number). Something about being closer to 100 than 200 just makes me feel more feminine and dainty. lol

So, this morning, having finally hit this magic number, I have been pondering how being 149 feels so so different from being 275.

At 275, I was exhausted and spent my life doing the bare minimum.

At 149, I am (most days) bursting with energy and almost always up for a challenge.

At 275, I didn't want to go out and socialize, I didn't want to run into anyone I knew.

At 149, I love to go out and meet new people and love the prospect of running into old friends I haven't seen in a while.

At 275, I ate "naughty" foods in the privacy of my own home because I didn't want anyone to see the fat girl eating the stuff that made her so fat.

At 149, I would rather split a sinful dessert with a good friend in a nice cafe and make lots of "num num num" noises while I do it.

At 275, I tried to find the brightest, loudest prints to hide my weight. I tried not to notice the 2X on the tag as I pulled my overpriced plus sized shirt over my head and I often left the house feeling sloppy and horrible about myself in whatever I wore.

At 149, I open my closet and see all the cute, stylish WAY CHEAPER sz small & medium clothes hanging there and just can't decide what look I wanna have that day. I often leave the house feeling confident and pulled together.

At 275, I was finally able to put myself to sleep at night by fantasizing about the slim, sexy me I would be someday, and I woke up the next morning and struggled for hours to get going. I spent the day trying (usually, unsuccessfully, to stick to my resolve of eating right).

At 149, I pass out (pretty early) at night from the exhaustion of my intense workout and a day packed full of productiveness, and I wake up the next morning at 4:30-5:30, hop out of bed and work out. I spend my day concious of how the good food I'm putting in my body is helping to make me a healthier and happier person. When i do eat something "not right", it's a concious decision and I enjoy every last morsel of it with little to no guilt.

At 275, I looked at people who had lost weight and thought, "if they can do it, so can I!"

At 149, I look at people who haven't yet lost weight and think, "if I can do it, so can they!"

At 275, the prospect of any of this was so far fetched, especially the working out at 4:30 am and WANTING TO DO IT! I was the snooze button queen! It is all a process. Every good habit I have incorporated into my life started out as a thought. I entertained that thought for a while before I made it an action. I fell off the wagon and backslid all the time (I still do). But the whole saying "Two steps forward, One step back" is so very true. I am POSITIVE that I will continue to make mistakes, lose motivation, maybe even gain a pound or two. But I have made my wellbeing one of the main priorities and focuses of my life and that's what makes the difference. "Energy flows where attention goes." If you are focusing on being miserable, on how much you want pizza,on how fat you are, etc. THAT'S what your brain will make sure continues to be your focus. If you focus, rather, on how much you want to be fit and healthy and you spend time educating yourself and keeping these notions on the forefront of your mind THOSE will be the things that your brain makes sure continues to be your focus.

Bottom line, I did not change because I lost weight, I lost weight because I changed.