I have now officially struggled with my weight for 30 years. Sometimes it's so disheartening to feel like I've come so far but still feel like I have so far to go. Maybe not physically as much as mentally....although somewhat physically as well lately. I'm currently up to 178 from my all time low of 145. I've said plenty that I have NO desire to be that small again. With the added muscle mass of the last few years, I know that probably isn't even possible to achieve and look healthy and I don't really have a desire to see that number again from an appearance aspect, a maintenance aspect as well as just how I felt.

However, I DO want to see a lower number. BUT for a very different reason than in the past. It's actually for the same reason I don't want to be 145 again. I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD! I feel...YUCKY! I feel thick! And heavy! I don't like the way waistbands feel on me. I had almost forgotten what all this feels like and I refuse to live like this for long. So how long will I live this way? Exactly how long it takes to lose 3 pounds since these last 3 pounds seem to be completely piled onto my midsection.

But I also don't want to stay at 175 anymore either. It was nice to just to "coast" for a while. To not really think about my weight for once. But what I realized is that this just doesn't work long-term for me. A few months ago my family had a hard blow. I feel like I've been through an emotional rollercoaster. At times I literally could not focus on myself and my needs because other's needs were more immediate. And I started turning to food for comfort. Not on the grand scale I used to turn to food. Why? Because that feels HORRIBLE! When you're depressed and you fill yourself so full of garbage that your stomach feels like it's ripping open?!?! I can't even remember how that used to be comforting. No, it's way more subtle now. Dessert after lunch. Wine with dinner. Cheese on....everything. On top of all this, I am unbelievably aware lately that my hormones are shifting as I approach 40. My weight is being redistributed, away from my butt and arms, to my stomach and chest. Yay for the chest part but a big ole fat BOO for the stomach part! I am eating WAY less than I did to maintain this weight now than I did as a teenager and I'm positive I have more muscle mass now! Yeah, life is happening and it isn't pretty at times.

And I kind of went on autopilot with my workouts too. I still average a solid 4-6 days a week but I was going through the motions. Maintaining. So last week, when I started feeling thick, I really stepped it up. I got back to my sweat soaked workouts and stopped with a lot (not all) of the little extras. I'm down from 181 which is nice but I still feel thick. I'm guessing those 3 pounds were "threats" of fat that never got stored.

I feel re-inspired. Re-motivated. But, again, for very different reasons.

I used to want to look as fit and hot as possible. There, I admitted it. Then, somewhere along the way, that got really old. It helps (AND HURTS) that Gino thinks I'm as hot at 155 as 180. In fact, he prefers me a little thicker. And, besides, when I'm with someone, I tend to only care what HE thinks about me so doing it for male attention or to impress females holds very little interest for me. On top of the contentment of my relationship, there's another contribution for my lack of motivation. It, oddly enough, comes from a very healthy place. As I grow older, and become more spiritual, I have become acutely aware that we are not our bodies. These "shells" we live in are just that, shells. And to decorate them and try to impress other people with them has grown to feel so unbelievably silly and shallow to me. And being reminded as of late of my own mortality and that no matter what I do, if my life plays out as it should, my body will one day break down and I will die, has caused me to stagnate.

Very disheartening.

So I need new motivation. And I have it! I want to list it out here because I am officially back on the weight loss wagon.

  • First and foremost, the thick feeling needs to be GONE! I can't and won't live this way! I want to feel light on my feet again!
  • The best way to balance my peri-menopausal hormones (yes, I said it) is to eat healthy!
  • To have a long, productive life.
  • To be able to provide care for those in my life that need it.
  • To have all the energy I need to play with my son, put in a hard day's work and have energy left for my man when the day is done.
  • To inspire my clients.
  • To be my best self!! Always!
I think I would like to just get down to 165 and see how I feel and go from there. 13 pounds? After 130 pounds?! I got this shit!

It is really hard to admit to the everyone (clients, blog followers, friends, haters, etc.) that I still struggle with my weight. It is my lifetime struggle but I'm thankful for it. The feeling of thickness is more than a bother....it is my alarm system telling me, quite clearly, that I've gone off course. I wasn't nurturing my body the way I should and now it's time to focus on ME again! And that's okay. It's not selfish. It's extremely necessary. And, besides, it's actually really fun to lose weight! I kind of miss the thrill of stepping on the scales and seeing the smaller number and my old clothes sliding on a little easier! But this time around I need to make sure I stay focused on the important reasons for losing weight and not get caught up in the superficial stuff. It's so easy to get caught up in the bodybuilding, gym clique, what-supplement-is-hot-this-week world but it's not what's important and it doesn't sustain you when real life happens. I am now living proof of that.

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