My mind and soul are timeless, always changing yet always the same. I can't really put a number of years on what's inside because, the older I get, the more convinced I am that my soul is eternal. However, my body....that's another story. I can most definitely attach a number to my body. 38 years ago, all ten pounds of me came bursting out of my poor tiny mother.
My body was always on the larger side compared to other females. Even before I gained weight, I always had....we will call it a strong presence. While I've finally come to embrace my height of just over 5 foot, 7 inches, my wide hips and not so dainty hands, I spent most of my life wanting to be a tiny, precious thing that males would want to carry around in their pockets and protect from the world.
When I was younger I felt clumsy and awkward looking. I worked against my body at every turn, for most of my life. As time has gone on, I've stopped doing this for the most part. And for her 38th birthday, I am giving my body the gift of unconditional acceptance.
This is my birthday message to my body....
I accept the surgery scars. The burn scar on your torso. I accept the stretch marks. I embrace them. I accept the soft, loose skin around your belly button. I accept your small breasts that will never be perky again. I accept your dimpled backside. I accept your hands and feet that become a little more veiny each year. I accept your thick arms. I accept your nose that is almost too large for your face. I accept how your gums are crooked and higher on one of your front teeth than on the other. I accept that no matter how close I shave your legs, they are stubbly an hour later. I accept that you put on weight at ten times the speed that you take it off. I accept that your hair is almost always a little wild and frizzy. I accept the gentle lines on your face that I know will become less gentle with time if I am blessed enough to live a long life. I accept every single thing about you, my precious vessel, that has carried me on every adventure of my life....and I'm sorry.
I"m sorry you've had to work so hard for me to be hated so much along the way. There is no one else in my life that I would judge so harshly and show such hatred for. You deserve so much more. I have treated you badly. And still you have never let me down. I have pushed you up impossible mountains and, with your legs shaking, you have delivered my soul to the top of every one. Sometimes with blood oozing out of various places. And the next day you hardly complained. You created and carried my precious child and I abandoned you for the duration. Out of my mind with depression. But, still, you went through the motions for me in my absence and delivered him safely. You allowed me to express my love for him and many others in a physical way. You have seen me through every task for 13,870 days so far. How beautiful, how magical that you would serve me in such a way. I owe you my life. Literally.
So for your 38th birthday I promise you love. I promise to stop comparing you to everyone else because you are MY perfect, beautiful body. I promise to never take you for granted again. I promise to be gentle and understanding with you as you age and grow frail. And, when I leave this earth, hopefully many many years from now, I will leave you behind. My loved ones will embrace you after I have moved on to my next big adventure. I know I can't take you with me but I will hold dear every memory you have allowed me, my beautiful perfect and holy body. Happy Birthday to YOU.