February 2010: I Was Only Cheating Myself

I was looking back through my old posts on sparkpeople.com (where I used to blog and log calories) and I found this post that reminded me just how far I've came over the years, even considering how far I had come at the time. It's a big reminder of something I still believe to be true: being aware of your decisions and dealing with your emotions is ALWAYS the better option and will ALWAYS make you feel better in control...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Last night was rough. My son had awaken countless times because he's so congested. After being up and down all night long I was exhausted when I woke up this morning and realized I had 20 minutes to get myself and my son ready and be out the door. I was also starving and stressed out over some internal "issues" I'm having about my relationship right now...but that's a totally different blog I suppose.

I go to McD's to get some eggs for a quick protien boost and suddenly I HAVE TO HAVE a sausage biscuit. I decide quickly I am going to have one, and a diet Coke too, and that I'm also going to have a "cheat day" cause I haven't had one in a while. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if I was doing it for the correct reasons (to keep my metabolism "guessing" and to relax a bit on my regimine and indulge a little in some things that I love, savoring every meal with heavenly delight) but I was doing it for completely emotional reasons. When I have cheat days for the right reason I feel completely satisfied, rational, energized and effective (effective because I am shaking up my metabolism). But this quickly became an urgent need to eat whatever I wanted and as quickly as possible. I soon had an early lunch which consisted of taco nachos & french toast sticks from Jack in the Box.

Then the bottom fell out. I went from exhausted to miserable. I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open and my stomach was churning. I sat for a while at work thinking, "maybe some chocolate would make me feel better" and then it hit me like a ton of bricks "Wow! this is the exact thinking that made you fat in the first place. You've came so far and now you're back here again?? Really? No wonder you feel like crap, you haven't had any real food today." I was ashamed but then I pushed through that feeling too because it, also, was not effective.

Instead, I logged the calories I had already eaten to assess the damage. Reviewed the stats as an objective scientist of sorts then I moved on. I popped on my headphones and found a self-help podcast on my iPod to listen to while I did some squats and stretching to get my blood pumping. Then I filled up my water bottle, chugged 16 oz of water, filled it up again and washed down some vitamins. Now, I'm having a snack of a little bit of grilled chicken, carrots and slivered almonds to get some protien, complex carbs and veggies in me. And I feel better already! Not just physically but emotionally. I made a list of my "issues" with my boyfriend and then put it to the side to look at later but at least it's out of my head now and can't do any more damage sitting on that piece of paper (unless if my boyfriend were to find it, teehee).

My cheat day was officially over at about 11am today and I have NO remorse over cutting it short because it wasn't a real "cheat day" it was the beginning of an emotional eating binge that I was pathetically trying to pass off as a spur of the moment cheat day. I could look at this morning as me falling off the wagon and wondering how I could have such a huge backslide with everything that I know and when I'm supposedly supposed to love myself so much now but this is how I choose to look at it instead:

I have grown so much and become so in touch with my body that I stopped a "reflex" that I've had for about 20 years or more (binge eating). I stopped it cold in it's tracks FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!! That's HUGE! When I think about how far I've come, one of my favorite sayings comes to mind: "True nobility is not being better than everyone else, it's rather being better than you used to be." This morning, amidst 72 grams of fat and a whirlwind of fast food wrappers, I somehow found nobility.

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