My weight, My Emotions, KeVita and more....

Obviously I haven't written in a while. Life has gotten hectic! My career as a trainer is absolutely exploding which is amazing but overwhelming at times. The first thing to go, always, is my focus on clean eating. It's when I hit the weight I'm at now that I always snap out of it and get back on the straight and narrow before it gets too out of hand. In many ways I've become thankful for my weight. It serves as a compass, always pointing me back in the right direction, never letting me get very lost. 

So this time around is a little harder. Much more psychological. To respect her privacy, as she hasn't really announced it to the world yet, I'll keep my discussion of this topic general. Someone extremely close to me is sick and is facing the battle of her life. This is a time when I have to be hyper aware of my emotions....or I will eat them. While I'm not trying to make her struggle about me, I can't help but feel extremely emotional and scared by the whole thing.  But I have to be strong for her and for everyone else, including myself. The best way to do that is to meet my emotions head on and then make myself the healthiest person possible so that I CAN be strong for everyone. 

After much plotting, planning and rearranging, I managed to get an entire day and night in the woods. It's always so good for my soul. It brings me back in touch with the present moment instead of always thinking ahead or looking behind. I feel balanced and re-energized. But how can this translate to regular life? I have to find a way to "go into the woods" in my mind any time I need to. I need to find that peace within myself once and for all. And I truly feel that I'm closer than I've ever been.

Here's how I know. This is HARD to admit. This is embarrassing. But since I'm the queen of talking about the embarrassing, awkward stuff, I'll stay true to form. I used to, in some twisted way, enjoy drama. I was drawn to people who could provide it for me. I'm not exactly sure why. It definitely didn't make me happy! I think it was the opposite. I was angry and almost numb and the drama was some kind of temporary outlet for my anger and allowed me to FEEL something. Anything! 

I recently listed to an audiobook called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz and the part that resounded with me the most is when he talks about the "poison" in us. When we have a low energy, negative thought (usually stemming from something in our past), an emotional poison builds up inside of us. We pick a fight with someone (usually someone closest to us) and when we succeed at something upsetting them, we are able to temporarily empty our poison into them and feel something resembling momentary relief. But then they are walking around with that poison and eventually they'll probably give it back to us. Not to mention, the poison doesn't truly go away. It can reoccur over and over again, each time we have a negative thought or experience.

Well, I realized when I heard this that, at one time, that was definitely me! But I am happy to realize that this is not me any longer. I truly desire peace. I hate conflict. I measure my words before speaking because I want peace. I choose the people in my life based on my desire for peace. I eliminate people from my life for this same reason. I want to be a cave of silence, deep in the earth, that is affected little by any storm that rages above. And I'm on my way.

Maintaining this peace within myself is crucial to being truly healthy. I've learned that my mental and physical health is completely intertwined and I can't have one without the other. So the mental aspect is well under way. Now to focus a little more on the physical aspect yet again.

Exercise. Ah, exercise. My sweet friend who helps me not gain all my weight back. I love to work out. I work out 6-8 times a week in addition to power walking for 20 minutes segments during most of my clients sessions most days. I know, excessive but my body and mind responds very well to it. I'm meant to move. A lot. Food.....damn, food. Still my biggest struggle. I love it. I love salty, crunchy things and soft, gooey sweet things that make me temporarily forget why I don't want to be obese again. 

Sooooo back at it!!! Same old science I keep applying over and over again. New day.

Less simple carbs. Lots more veggies and clean sources of protein and fat. Not focusing too much on what I shouldn't have but instead focusing on all the healthy, wonderful things I should. Lots of water aaaaand, my new favorite thing...KeVita! If you love bubbly drinks, you gotta try it. If you're used to sweet soda, you'll probably hate it the first time you do. I personally love the stuff! A little too much actually. At $3.79 a bottle, and drinking two of them some days, it's becoming an expensive addiction but I don't care!! This probiotic drink (that has as little as 5 calories per serving) makes my belly feel soooo good! No, I don't own stock in them. I am just so happy they exist and that I don't have to feel guilty about drinking them (except for the price, of course). Sometimes drinking some satisfies my craving for something indulgent....sometimes it doesn't but I"m happy they get to stay in my diet!

And realizing how much KeVita makes me stay on course makes me realize the importance of finding other things like it that I love and stocking up. Avocado, asparagus, sweet peppers, oranges. Things I tear into with glee and don't fantasize about what I would like to be eating instead.

But despite getting a little off course yet again with my eating and having personal issues going on, I'm actually somehow happier, more at peace and more loving and accepting of my body than I've ever been in my life. And all this is no accident. It's putting in the effort every day to be a better person. And, yes, some things crumble a little when I'm tending to other things, but it's all a balance. The goal of this life isn't to get out alive, it's to be the best person we can be and live the most amazing life we can live, touching as many hearts and lives as we can along the way.