This isn't exactly a truth bomb to anyone who knows me well but may come as a surprise to people who take my classes or just somehow know me in passing....I suffer from, at times, debilitating anxiety. When my anxiety truly takes hold of me (or, maybe, for empowerment sake, I should say "when I take hold of my anxiety"), I can barely function. I become completely fixated on whatever the current source of my anxiety is and can't really focus on anything else. I space out, become zombified. People will speak to me and I will, literally, not hear them. I get cold, I shake, I can't eat...it consumes me.
This is a problem I've always had to different degrees but have felt more acutely since I stopped using food and other crutches to self-medicate. In fact, I remember exactly the first time I had a full-on anxiety attack.
My son was about one year old and I had just really started my lifestyle change. I was so miserable that stuffing myself with edible comfort and zoning out in front of the television was no longer doing it. I became fully aware that it was adding to the pain, not detracting. So the day I received a notification in the mail that I was to become another casualty of the 2008 housing crisis, my first thought was to skip the workout I was about to do and, instead, revert back to my comfort eating. However, I quickly remembered that this was no longer working for me.
I remember standing in the living room, my son swinging in his swing. I started to breath heavily and my skin became tingly all over with a strange hot/cold sensation. I started pacing back and forth and shaking uncontrollably. I got down on my hands and knees on the floor and rocked back and forth, almost like I was trying to comfort myself. Then I cried. When the crying came, the anxiety started to lift. I worked out, ate healthy...and eventually lost my home. That day I started learning ways to cope with my anxiety.
Since that time, I've gotten divorced, been a single mom, remarried, bought another house, built a business, entered my 40s, and said goodbye to a mother that I'm pretty sure was a real-life angel on earth.
I recently realized that my anxiety has, somewhere along the way, once again spiraled out of control. I realized this by accident. I kept trying to figure out why I was suddenly aging so quickly and having extreme digestive issues. Through my research, I kept seeing "anxiety" pop up and I kept dismissing it thinking, "no, I've already conquered that one."
When I finally took a step back and looked at myself more clearly I was able to see just how far I had fallen. And, with this realization, I did what I always do....jump headfirst into change!
I love to change and grow. Stagnation is repulsive to me. However, I quickly found that change had to come in a different way this time around. Usually change meant filling my ears and mind with countless hours of educational material and working out like a crazy person.
This time I've learned that I need exactly the opposite: I need quiet. I need peace. Stillness.
This one is HARD for me.
To realize that I can't bulldoze my way through this problem, like I have so many others, was briefly as debilitating as my anxiety had become.
But I'm getting there.
Not there....but getting there.
When I wake up in the morning, I no longer fill my head with "stuff". I sit in peace. I, once again, meditate. Even if my meditations go like it went this morning:
"I want coffee now"
"oops, clear your mind"
"I should blog about this"
"oops clear your mind..."
"I am going to do a guided meditation at the end of my yoga class today....I should do some Kundalini....did I leave the water running?"
"oops clear your mind..."
You get the idea.
But, guess what?! THAT is a successful meditation practice. I always tell people, "it's not about magically clearing your mind. It's the act of attempting to clear your mind over and over again."
And through that exercise, we create space and peace.
I not there yet but, with every deep breath, every moment of stillness and gentleness with myself I am getting closer....
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